Humor
This is all mostly from email. It is the best of the best. Thanks to everyone who sent it.
If you are easily offended, STOP! Go back! No taking of
prisoners here! Hopefully, ALL groups will be equally insulted!
Return to www.stereoviews.com
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
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If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
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You gotta sing like you don't need the money.
You gotta love like you won't get hurt.
You gotta dance like nobody's lookin'.- Author Unknown
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If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future,
it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
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QUESTION : Why did the chicken cross the road ?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.
The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
A Consultant, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), the consultant helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
The consultant convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
The consultant helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? Part 2!!!
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual, in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
IMMANUEL KANT:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The kosher chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and spread AIDS.
NYPD:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I'm not a pitiful, helpless chicken. I don't know any chickens. I have never known a....................
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program Can you help me, Please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities and Entertainment" program Wife 1.0 is an Operating System, and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems that the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-alimony/Child Support".
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command c:\apologize.
In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.09 is a great program, but it requires very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install CuteSecretary 3.3 This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system'
Good luck...
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Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
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MO-PED
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by
again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?"
But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, it IS the old man!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
"Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror..."
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The other day I saw a “Honk for Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker a put it on my bumper
Boy, am I glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I had stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts about the Lord, and how good He is.....and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people loved Jesus.
Why, while I was sitting there the guy behind me starting honking like crazy, and he leaned out of the window and screamed, “For the love of God, GO, GO. Jesus Christ GO”
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking like crazy. I just leaned out of the window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”.... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what he meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him a good luck sign back My son burst out laughing...why, even HE was enjoying the religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment, that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, or ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the lights had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the lights changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love that we had shared, so I slowed down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what
he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled.
"Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and hisses at them through the window.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination." advises Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with holy water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he manages to hold on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now What?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking!" Sister Marilyn rolls down the window and shouts,
"Get the fuck off our car!"
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Numbers of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. 660: Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI: Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000: Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666: Number of the Millibeast / 666: Beast Common Denominator 666 ^ (-1): Imaginary number of the Beast 1010011010: Binary of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again?: Number of the Blonde Beast 1-666: Area code of the Beast 00666: Zip code of the Beast $665.95: Retail price of the Beast $699.25: Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax $769.95: Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66: Walmart price of the Beast $646.66: Next week's Walmart price of the Beast Phillips 666: Gasoline of the Beast Route 666: Way of the Beast 666 F: Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k: Retirement plan of the Beast 666 mg: Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66 %: 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. Lotus 6-6-6: Spreadsheet of the Beast Word 6.66: Word Processor of the Beast i66686: CPU of the Beast 666i: BMW of the Beast DSM-666 (revised): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 668: Next-door neighbor of the Beast 333: The semi-Christ 665.9997856: The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
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BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES:
SAN DIEGO, CA--- Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
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READ THE DIRECTIONS ..........
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist....
Scientists at NASA havedeveloped a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements weremade to borrow the gun.
But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield, smashed it into smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence:
SEE BELOW
"Thaw the chicken."
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IF DEAR ABBY WERE A MAN...
Q: My fiancée still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior-And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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ATTENTION!! Virus Warning! If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes", delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.
This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet!
It will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all of your ice cream melts.
It will demagnetize the strips on all of your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to render any CD's you try to play unreadable.
It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will put a dead rat in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will make a batch of bad meth amphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase high school kids with your new snowblower. Cheers
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Comebacks.........
Women's snappy comebacks to pickup lines
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
More................
1 - Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2 - The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3 - I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4 - Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5 - I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6 - I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7 - What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8 - I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9 - I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10 - Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11 - I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12 - It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13 - Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14 - No, my powers can only be used for good.
15 - How about never? Is never good for you?
16 - I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17 - You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18 - I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19 - I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20 - I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21 - Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22 - My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23 - It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24 - At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25 - You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26 - I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27 - Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
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More....
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Do I look like a fucking people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
7. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
8. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
9. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
10. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
13. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
20. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
21. It must be awful hard to hear with your head up you ass.
22. I'd agree with you if you were right, but you're not.
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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat.
He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him.
When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her.
He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement!
Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!
"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.
She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait.
Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting....." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you!
What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies,
"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
=================================================================
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".
==================================================================
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking along the road.
Every time he would see a lawyer, he would swerve to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP", and he would
swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch-hiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church, 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift, jump in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
However, he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him. so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road - narrowly missing the lawyer.
Although he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors .
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer!"
"That's okay", replied the priest, "I got him with the door!"
===========================================================
The Washington Post Report from Week 228, in which you were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder you had it in the old days
===========================================================
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, attitudes were different. For example, women didn't like sex. At least that is what they told me.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.
(Brendan Bassett, Columbia)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet.
(David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
(Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy.
(Bruce Evans, Washington)
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys.
(Russell Beland, Springfield, & Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
Copyright 1997 The Washington Post Company
=====================================================================
A guy's walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.
A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I will grant you one wish.
"The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii,
but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia.
So my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii.
"The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that.
Just think of all the work involved...think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean.
And think of all the cement that would be needed.
Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way.
No, that is just too much to ask.
"The guy says, "Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted.
I'd like to be able to understand women.
What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with...
you know, what makes them tick?"
The genie thinks a second, and says,
"Would that road be two lanes or four?
================================================================
Heaven's New Policy
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked theman,
"Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem.", said the man.
"Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair.
I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him.
So today I was going to come home and catch them.
Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy.
My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!
Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.
This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.
"The angel sat back and thought for a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced,
"OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in,
I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this.
I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine.
When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!
Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator,
of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!
"The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.
"Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.
"OK. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator......"
==================================================================
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
==================================================================
Not my Job!
Here is an example of the great job the Manatee County Florida Highway department does.........
=======================================================================
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head.
He removed his unit unscratched.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
========================================================================
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, S/He asks that you take a answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will bekept completely confidential,
and that you need not disclose your name or email address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity? Please check only one.
__ Bible
__ Book of Mormon
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Koran
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ National Public Radio
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ Newspaper
__ Tabloid
__ Television
__ Torah
__ Other (specify):
/
2. Which model deity did you acquire? Please check only one.
__ Allah
__ Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
__ Gaia/MotherEarth/Mother Nature
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
__ Satan
__ Yahweh
__ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
__ God1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ Other (specify):
__ Taken in by a false god
/
3a. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all elements in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
/
3b. If no, what problems did you encounter? Please check all that apply.
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Not eternal
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
creations)
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not omniscient
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
/
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Fear of death
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Stuff was falling out of the sky
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
/
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
__ Almighty Dollar
__ Baal
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Cthulhu
__ Elvis
__ Great Pumpkin
__ Great Spirit
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Mick Jagger
__ Moon
__ Ra
__ Radical Right
__ Sun
__ Other (specify):
/
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Alcohol
__ Ann Landers
__ Astrology
__ Barney Fife
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Bill Clinton
__ Biorhythms
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ CompuServe
__ Crystals
__ Dianetics
__ EST
__ Fortune cookies
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Insurance policies
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Lottery
__ Mantras
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Pyramids
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Tarot
__ Tea Leaves
__ Television
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Other (specify):
__ None
/
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer?
Please check only one:
__ More Divine Intervention
__ Less Divine Intervention
__ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
__ Don't know
/
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
AOL 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Earthquake 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Famine 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Flood 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Pestilence 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Plague 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Rescues 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
SPAM 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Spam 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
War 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Crying Statues 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__5__
Spontaneous Remissions 1__ 2__ 3__4__ 5__
Stars Hovering Over Tiny Towns 1__2__ 3__ 4__ 5_
Walking On Water 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__
Water Changing To Wine 1__ 2__3__ 4__ 5__
Getting Any Sex Whatsoever 1__ 2__3__ 4__ 5__
Saddam Hussein still alive 1__ 2__3__ 4__ 5__
VCR's that set their own clocks 1__ 2__3__ 4__ 5__
/
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving thequality of God's services?
/
10. Name: (optional)
/
11. Email address: (optional)
/
If you complete this questionnaire before Judgement Day you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing.
(Chances of winning: approximately one in 6.023 times 10 to the 23rd, depending on number of beings entered.)
=======================================================================
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs.Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh...... equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam ? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
==================================================================
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe she just saw what she did. He sneezes again, unzips, pulls his penis out and wipes the end of it off with a handkerchief. She says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.
He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
=====================================================================
FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their coworkers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers,
therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Of course, we realize that there are certain situations and certain
people when it just ain't worth trying. In those cases, let 'em have it.
THE MANAGEMENT
================================================
Those Telephone Answering Machines!
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world
famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.Suddenly the telephone rings!
The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper,
with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!
Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi. Now you say something."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.
Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
===============================================================
Puns anyone?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mushroom walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a drink.
The bartender said "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom said, "Why not?
I'm a fun guy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A three legged dog walked in and sidled up to the bar and announced:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy went into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he said, "I'll just have the eggs benedict.."
His order came a while later and it was served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asked the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter sang, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two atoms were walking down the street and they ran into each other.
One said to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chessnuts boasting in an open foyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of
hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
"It's a hickory daiquiri,doc."
----------------------------------------------------
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bar tender again tells him "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender, once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "Yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate."
****************************************************************
Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of ladies panties wrapped around his arm.After about an hour an aid got brave enough to ask the President what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm.
Clinton replied:
"It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."
****************************
I Like Monkeys:
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like Monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home.
I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.
They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.
Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.
No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead.
Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do.
There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose.
It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds.
I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them.
But little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer,
and 197 dead charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.
The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom.
I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.
I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution.
I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say.
They pretended that they liked them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
===========================================================
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied,
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her about herself. She replied,
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women.
When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
================================================================
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do some business.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows.
I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
====================================================================
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three
friends, if they're ok, you're it.
=====================================================================
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lest see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he makes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days.For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time,much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day 50 pound weight loss program.Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck reads "If I catch you, I can have you!!!!"
=============================================================
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to LasVegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him
"I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too." "Why?" she asked.
He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."
=============================================================
THEY ARE IN!....... This Year's Darwin Awards
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has helped the human gene pool by (trying) ridding themselves from it. Here are some current results:
-----------------
5th Runner Up:
A San Anselmo, California man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.
Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently hadhiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
~~~~~~~
4th Runner Up:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store:
paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
~~~~~~~~~
3rd Runner Up:
To poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhang rock-
and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
2nd Runner Up:
Man Loses Face at Party.
A man at a West Virginia party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry S., 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party lateTuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said.
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."
"He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said.
S. was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
===============================================================
1st Runner Up:
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony R.,25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain MenAnonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can of fhis head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.
Doctors said had thearrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major bloodvessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear ofhis skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.
Said R., "I feel so dumb about this."
No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
===============================================================
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO
(Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at
300 mph into the side of a desert cliff.
===============================================================
THE WINNERS:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
who decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge Washington.
Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they thought it would be easy enough to hop over the nine- foot high fence and sneak into the show.
The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John --100 pounds heavier than Sal - to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree.
His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, John crashed below into holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts,
he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.
To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken state, Sal put the truck into reverse rather than first, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend.
Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene.
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half naked, with scratches, a broken arm, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen......
===============================================================
Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six- pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.
Things didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.
Not 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble.
He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.
LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.
As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.
As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."
===============================================================
SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
======================================================
IDIOTS AT WORK....
--------
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
--------
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees:
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that
the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner
became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that
the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was telling a lie.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
===============================================================
A farmer was sitting in a neighbourhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting in here on such a beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her left leg and kicked the pail over, spilling all the milk.
Man: Okay, but that isn't that bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I just sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her right leg.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I just sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her tail
Man: Hmmmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in....
===============================================================
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday.
They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager.
As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly,
Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile.
Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet.
The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"
===============================================================
DUMMIES
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership".
He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
===========================================================
...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing tentear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting to please come out and give himself up...
===========================================================
...And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
===========================================================
...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey
Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop.
School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...
not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
===========================================================
...Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -
a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.
"This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner,
"when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
===========================================================
... And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
===========================================================
...The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
===========================================================
...Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly
asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which
he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man
had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker
power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
============================================================
...Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told
to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.
Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets.
Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.
Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
===========================================================
...Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people.
"There are too many business grads out there," he said.
"If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
============================================================
...Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!
============================================================
...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.
The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.
"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman MikeCarey,
"with an explosion taking place inside his pants."
Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
===========================================================
...Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone:
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
===========================================================
...Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
===============================================================
* Who does this remind you of? ;-) *
"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?" "No, Dad."
"I think you are lying."
"No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."
"Son, I saw you out here with your ax. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie.
Now, tell me the truth!"
"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions.
While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information."
"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong.
It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible."
"I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. "
"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct."
"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock."
"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall.
Only after the tree was already down did I go get my ax to chop off individual branches.
So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the sawcut on the stump and the ax cuts on the branches.
Therefore, legally, I told the truth."
"I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship."
===============================================================
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman-with the meanest dog in town.
-
3. Blues are simple.
After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
-
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs, not Volvos and Saabs.
Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
So does fixin' to die.
-
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues.
Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
-
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
-
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
-
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
-
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
-
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
-
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
-
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
-
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues
-
14. Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
-
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine that is kosher for Passover
c. Torani Italian Soda (all flavors)
-
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.
-
16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
-
17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
-
Women with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
-
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match
===============================================================
Hazardous Materials Notification
Material Safety Data Sheet No. EC36C-24-36
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Discoverer : Adam
Atomic Mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes with out any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. In various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
-
Chemical Properties
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a rage of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously with out prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man
Common Uses
1. Highly ornamental
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
Tests
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
Potential Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
WARNING : PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE !!
===============================================================
Prison Vs. Work
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
==============================================================
Real Sightings of Signs In English Seen Around the World
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
~~~~
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
~~~~~~~
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
~~~~~~
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
~~~~~~
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
~~~~~~~~
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
~~~~~~~
Item on the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
~~~~~~~~~
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
~~~~~~~~~`
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
~~~~~
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
~~~~~~~
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
~~~~~~~~~
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
~~~~~~
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
~~~~~~~~
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
~~~~~~~~
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
~~~~~~~~~
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
~~~~~~~~~
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
~~~~~~~~
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
~~~~~~~~~
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
~~~~~~~~~
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
~~~~~~~~~~
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
~~~~~~~~~~~
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
~~~~~~~~~~~
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
~~~~~~~~~~~
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.
=============================================================
Actual Business Signs
=====================
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Sign outside brothel: On Vacation. Beat it.
===================================================================
Redneck Humor
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
===================================================================
Two Italian men get on a bus and engage in animated conversation.
A lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first but then listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Den I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," shrieks the lady, "in this country we don't talk like that in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun me friend howa to spella da word Mississippi."
======================================================================
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying,
"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion. "
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but... "
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice. "
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?!"
================================================================
Subject: Signs that we are living in a STUPID world
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP, IT SAYS:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
I HAVE A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME THAT READS:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE-MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
===================================================================
Two gays guys are on a picnic, and the first guy says,
"I have to take a dump," and he walks into the woods to do it.
Several minutes later, the other guy hears the first guy crying
"Boo Hoo, I had a Miscarriage. I had a Miscarriage."
He runs into the woods to see what is going on.
When he gets there, the first guy is still crying, "Boo-Hoo I had a Miscarriage...
He looks down and says, "Don't be silly. You didn't have a miscarriage.
You had diarrhoea on a toad.
===============================================================
The Ant and the Grasshopper - ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN AMERICAN VERSION- AKA Politically Correct Version
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then are presentative of the NAAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green."
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's.
" Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, which crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
===============================================================
Bill Gates dies in a car accident.
Arriving at the pearly gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America,
yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before....."I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.
St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly, if itwill help your decision."
"Fine! Where should I go first?""You decide."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter.
"If this is hell, I'd REALLY like to see heaven!" "Fine," said St Peter, and off he went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision.
"I think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates.His voice filled with anguish and disappointment.
Bill responded, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening!
What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter.
"This is the release version."
============================================================
Witty One-Liners...
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
================================================
There were three dogs waiting in a veternarian's office.
One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.
The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"
The first dog looked depressed. "I'm in big trouble," he said,
"my owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats.
I just love to go for rides in it.
Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the seats.
Now he's having me put to sleep."
-
"I know how you feel," said the second dog.
"My owner's have a beautiful, expensive Oriental rug.
The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...
I shit all over they're nice carpet and ruined it.
They're having me put to sleep, too."
-
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.
"So what are you in here for?" they asked.
"Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.
The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?"
"No," said the third dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."
==============================================================
A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around.
All of the sudden he spies a huge BRASS RAT in the corner.
He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the cashier.
"The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier "um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend
"Well, five bucks for the rat--but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.
"I'll just take the rat, without the story." Says the customer.
He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.
Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him.
He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased.
This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.
Afraid of this mass following the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in.
All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.
The man ran back to the antique store.
The old cashier was chuckling tohimself ."So now do you want the story?"
"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass lawyers?"
=================================================================
Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
-
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
-
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
-
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
-
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,"Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
-
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
-
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
-
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
-
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
-
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics. "You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from? " Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
-
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says,"Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
==========================================================
T H E M O R O N A W A R D S !
*************************************
LOUISIANA: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
FLORIDA: A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,"FREEZE",MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FxxK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"
KANSAS: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab somebooze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor storewindow was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
NEW YORK:As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer..that's her.That's the lady I stole the purse from."
SEATTLE : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into themotorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
ANN ARBOR : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
KENTUCKY: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.With the chain still attached to the machine.With their bumper still attached to the chain.With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
NEWARK : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a
perfect car (a Ferrari) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle (it was a 2+2).
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
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The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
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Don't be so amused just yet......keep reading!
A Male's Response * (Page Down )
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
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Subject: Rules in the South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural."All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torndown.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, bedisplayed.
24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
26. In southern churches you will here the hymn "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy.
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're
better off trying to find it yourself.
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The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication.
The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound,cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
Why am I telling you this????
Just think - FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work.
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Subject: VERY IMPORTANT TRIVIA FACT!!!
History of "the finger" - "giving the bird" (very interesting)
In the current film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the finger to Jack (another character).
Many people who have seen the film,question whether "giving the finger" was done around the time of the Titanic disaster,
or was it a more recent gesture invented by some defiant seventh-grader.
According to research, here's the true story: Giving the Finger Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415,
the french, anticipating victory over the english, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured english soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned english longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting.
In the future, this famous weapon was made of the english yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the french, the english won a major upset and began mocking the french by waving their middle fingers at the defeated french, saying"
See we can still pluck yew! - PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some "folk etymologies "have grown up around this symbolic gesture.
Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "peasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the
feathers used on the arrows of the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to
alabiodental fricative "F", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gester is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything!!
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BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill some.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
and the #1 bumper sticker of the week......
*** Honk If You Want To See My Finger
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Thats all for now, folks! Send me your winners.
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